I'm a big fan of Bob Newhart's comedic monologues, particularly the one-sided variety. Using only his trademark deadpan, sparse and hesitant delivery, he conjures highly amusing scenes into an audience's mind. It's a rare gift.
I'm also (please bear with me) a fan of being frozen* - obviously just before my brain ceases its electrochemical messaging. Not my whole body, of course - why would I want that old thing back? No, conserving everything above the neck will do. Then, whenever the technology becomes sufficiently advanced, I'll be re-animated back from cryostasis into a brave, new world.
That's the theory. And it remains just that. The first prescient Lazarus has yet to sit up and ask for a reviving cup of tea.
In practice, there are the usual (semi-dystopian) problems of tasking any company to keep my head immersed in liquid gases for decades, such as greedy over-expansion leading to poor cashflow, mergers and acquisitions (fee and CxO target driven, of course), and, of course, good old corporate/human incompetence. I might even suffer from legal automata and chat-based service bots, instead of cunningly similar human lawyers (who might remain unaccountably relevant). Then there's the obvious commercial disincentive for them to bring me back to life: those valuable revenue contributions will immediately cease. And, finally, what might successive generations of my family get up to? Those skeletons have yet to even construct their cupboards.
So maybe it's best if I receive periodic updates on what's happening; to check if the electricity bills are being paid; enquire if the world really is ready for Reid 2.0. That sort of thing.
Enough of my rambling. Here's my unlikely attempt at combining Mr Newhart, my brain, a corporate stooge and a flask of liquid nitrogen into an ~800 word monologue. I hope you enjoy the result.
*Cryonics shouldn't be confused with cryogenics. Mixing up these words causes quite a heated reaction (ahem) amongst those only interested in cold things, not ‘dead people’ (their words).
<CLIENT #10576 ON>
“Hello? Hello? Can you hear me, James? It’s Mr Smith here. Yes, yes, the same name. We all have the same name. Makes it easier for clients like yourself.”
“We’re just checking up on you, as per your plan schedule, to see if everything’s still going tickety-boo. So, what would you like to spend your allotted half-hour on? Your family? World affairs? Your choice of world, of course. Our latest annual company report? I have the summaries all ready for you, like last time.”
“The year? Well, I’m pleased to tell you it’s currently 2145. And I’m more delighted to inform you, James, that you’re performing so well under our expert care. We couldn’t be more satisfied with our long-term arrangement.”
“You want to know when your money runs out? Well, er…, that’s not a question we normally like to answer here at 4EvaMore™, James. But… oh yes, yes. Our name has changed yet again. You know, the usual corporate shenanigans. Yes, everything’s been carried over to the new company. Anyway, as to funding… Let me just look…. Yes, here we are: You became the sole beneficiary of your funds following your wife’s decision to be immediately Discorporated in what was a very heart – and, indeed, body – warming ceremony for everyone, including our other valued prospective clients.”
“You weren’t aware? Ah…, Let me check… Just a moment… So, I’m looking at the transcript of your fourth quarterly centennial awakening and it definitely states my predecessor notified you, bless his now eternal soul. So, I’m sure it must be down to a little lapse in your memory. We can get that checked out for you, if you want – as an additional plan item, of course.”
“I beg your pardon, James? Your flask’s audio is distorting. Please try to speak in a calm manner. Sorry, what’s that? ‘You've already paid for our non-volatile memory upgrade option?' Well, I am very sorry, but I see no record of it here, James. And I can assure you we maintain our records extremely diligently here at 4EvaMore™”
“You don’t want to be called James… And, ah… as you wish then, Mr Dwight it is.”
“‘You’ve had enough’, you say? Now, now, Jame… Mr Dwight. I’m sure it’s not as bad as you’re making out. We do have clients expressing a degree of boredom now and again, but nothing that doesn’t go away, given time. And, if you’ll excuse my little pun, we do provide plenty of that, don’t we?”
“You want ‘turning off’? Nitrogen preserve us, Mr Dwight! That’s really quite an over-reaction, don’t you think? Your Encapsulation was only enacted in 2095 and full Discorporation isn’t due for another fifty years. You’re only half-way through your centurial journey with 4EvaMore™! So perhaps you’re being just a little hasty, Mr Dwight? Have you considered, for instance, our Assimilation option, All Together 4 Ever®? There’s a special on at the moment, I do believe.”
“Ah, you’re not being hasty… And… Well, let’s ignore that last part, shall we? But, please be assured, I do sense your frustration, Mr Dwight.”
“Also, I’m not entirely sure a – and my apologies for using this pejorative term Mr Dwight – a Termination, is within my remit. But if I might just briefly consult with our resident legal team…”
“Hello, are you still there, Mr Dwight? ‘Where else would you be?’ Oh, you are still so very amusing after all these years!”
“So, I’ve just had a little chat with our legal counsel and they are quite adamant that we can’t Terminate you. Very bad for you, and, of course, very bad for us. Yes, yes, it is very difficult balancing these things. But we do try, I promise you.”
“There is one way, perhaps, but it would involve an Interlocutor. Since your Encapsulation, we’ve also had the immense pleasure of bringing several further generations of the Dwight family under the everlasting care of 4EvaMore™. As a result of this, your family’s signatory role now falls to Reginald, a third-generation family member. I can make him available now, Mr Dwight, if you wish to talk to him?”
“Oh, you emphatically don’t… And, you…, you wish your family hadn’t followed in your footsteps? Oh, that’s not very kind. And… and you think I’m not an actual person? Well, really, what a thing to say, Mr Dwight. I’m not sure I understand you at all!”
“Well, just look at the time, Mr Dwight. Your scheduled slot is almost up! Doesn’t time fly when you’re— you don’t think so…? There’s more time on the clock? Well, let’s agree it’s all relative, Mr Dwight, especially in this line of business. But I do believe we’ve covered everything necessary. It just remains for me to bid you another wonderful quarter-centennial from all of us at 4EvaMore™ and we so look forward to talking with you again in 2170.”
That's brilliantly hilarious!