Winning My Fifty Year Fight
The most personal of my poems I've released into the world to date.
My ‘Tongue Untied’ poem was submitted to STAMMA (the UK's leading charity for people who stammer) in mid-December 2021 and I was delighted when it was published as part of their 'Your Voice' series in January 2022.
‘Tongue Untied’ is the most personal of my poems which I’ve released into the world to date. Vocalising who you are and what you think can be viewed as a permanent ‘work in progress’, requiring a minimum of subconscious effort. But, for a significant minority, it is a demanding and often stressful task. This poem distils a half-century of accumulated experience in my own continual struggle to ensure my speech adequately represents my thoughts and words.
Tongue Untied
A conspiracy of sounds percolate through my head. Ever in their thrall, in constant dread of what they will reveal. The conflict within, the modern sin, of being ineloquent. The tragic label of a verbal delinquent. Cacophonous phonemes are just the iceberg's tip. The 'plosive bees and peas. Straining, silent seas and kays. Meet my monstrous ems and the jockeying jays. Those sibilant esses, prepare for the worst. All competing for space in my jangling universe. First date. Trusting to fate, they don’t mistake this potential tongue-tied mate for inbred village idiocy. (Or pity. Or shallow mediocrity.) Body language has more clarity, revealing if they think I’m just another dimwit, only good for buying drink. Job interviewers equating speech disability with thought incapacity. Through night-time tears, at least I tried. The speak-slowlies intone ‘try breathing’, as if my blood is red dye. The phone calls full of fear, ignoring ignorant laughs. Must be static on the line. Yes, I’ve forgotten my name – what’s the chance? My name, always the name. The pain of first introduction, first impressions that stay. Their eyes askance, their fear feeding mine, looking for escape. Or worse, those who insist on rescuing me from the brink, filling yawning gaps, with what they think I think. A worthy stratagem takes decades to realise. For my war is not with the sounds I pit my wits against, to gain the clarity I seek. It's with those who flag my social flaw, those whom I should not give a… care. Because the problem I must overcome is what those others think of it.
A powerful insight into what it's like to not be able to easily form the words at the to of your tongue and how that affects your day to day life. Thank you
Beautiful!